Captcha?

When you prefer pain over numbness
A punch over indifference
A swear over invisibility

This is not being masochist, or stupid, or silly. It's simply wanting to feel, because if you don't feel, you're just another bot who is trying to successfully write those captchas.

Puma Ocean

When you spend a while thinking what title to give a photo, you think should it be something funny, deep, romantic... Most of the time, photos can be beautiful on their own, but when they have a title, the photographer is able to translate something, something hidden to her audience. And other times, you look at a photo and you say, what beautiful scenery, what a large ocean, what a vast sky... limitless... but what are Puma shoes doing there? Why do I always include my sneakers inside those photos, what am I trying to prove? That I was there? Are my feet my identity now? Why don't I put a photo of my portrait with that landscape ...

I will tell you why.

This is how I saw it. The photo, of the landscape, is how I saw it.

So need I give a title to this photo? Or should I just tell you, that I was cold, the sky was beautiful, and the sound of the waves crashing on the shore but most importantly, that my phone cam is not bad during daylight. No title is needed. After all, I just babbled almost 200 words.

Proving a point that I'm smart.. was stupid

I miss writing silly posts. I've been writing a lot lately and all I can say is that I'm loving it. Although I'm not having enough time to really refine my posts, the ideas are there, some I'm being able to complete and publish, others are sitting in my drafts link on gMail.

Been writing social, Lebanon related, technology related posts... And the challenge on all kinds of posts is super. For once I feel like I am starting to get a clearer idea of what I like to do, and what my major should have been. Is it too late? Can I just continue it as a hobby?

One great reason for NOT doing a major is proving someone a point. Never should you major in something just to prove a point. What was my point? I wanted to prove that girls can. I wanted to show a certain teacher something.

Where is he now? Where am I now? Does he know? If he knows does he give a shit? Sure thing he doesn't.

I always hated how men regarded women with inferiority.. talking about mental capabilities. Silly I know. We shouldn't give a damn, those who know, know and those who don't will never. For me, and I am sad to admit that, I feel like my major is my "carte blanche" to intelligence, it's like I secured that I have the minimum intelligence requirements. That's stupid.

Majoring in something just to have a proof that you're smart, is stupid.

Now to be fair. I know for sure if I had never majored in Computer Science, I would have eventually learned many programming languages and what not, on my own. I know I like it.. hell I love it. I love tracking a bug, I love analyzing, I love coming up with solutions, I love working on the pc for hours. The humble knowledge I withdraw from my current major, is definitely essential to the way I think today.

Nevertheless maybe now after a decade I feel like I am burying myself, and I need to "get out". I need to talk to people, I need to create something, I need to interact, and most importantly I want to seal deals!

This post is mostly intended as another documentation of the recent ideas I came to establish concerning my career existence (yet comments are always welcome). I don't want to identify myself with a major or a career anymore. I want to just be happy and be useful.

Overthinkin'... Or Over "thinking"

Something I wrote 8 years ago, on 13 April 2002 to be precise... and it's still valid now :)

I am OzZi's brain, ozzi tires me too much, she uses me a lot, she doesn't even give me a break, she makes me work 24/7 and she doesn'tlet me go on vacations, and see pretty things, and enjoy fun things. Always work work work, trying to get into conclusions and results, too much paranoia, and no trust... too much obsession, and no chill...

Nice to see that I.. didn't change quite a bit. I don't like over-thinking, I want to be "over" *snaps fingers* thinking.

Parkophobia

Struggle: Anyone else has the fear of parking? I have a daily struggle to find a parking place where I live.

Yoga: Everyday when I get back home, I start thinking 5 or 10 minutes earlier about this, embrace myself with peace, send positive energy and loud prayers!

Multi-Tasking: I even worry of removing my car for just an hour, so I either simply beg for people to pick me up on their way or benefit in a way by doing more things (abroad) that need more than 1 hour.

The Horror: The fear per se, is not just "not finding a place", it's the actual traffic that is caused in the street having too much cars parked on the sides blocking other cars, cars trying to pass, the honking, swearing, loud screams... "Horrid, so horrid!"

Future Aspirations: My dream is to live in a building where I own a parking spot... *cries* I've been thinking of getting a Smart, or an old mini, or something small, I just wanna throw it anywhere and not care about it. Bil 3arabeh el mshabra7: "Ed7asha bil zewye w ben el siyyarat"

Anyone else has parkophobia?

Testimonies and true stories from twitter:

@DanyAwad: #Parkophobia Once I drove my car back to home, parked it there and came back to work via Taxi!! #Hamra
@sdarine #Parkophobia I readily park next to the dumbster, construction sites, under a tree, 3 blocks away as long as i find a spot
@sdarine #Parkophobia too many broker carlights, scratches &dents taught me to never buy a new car unless i've parking in my building
@sdarine I convince, myself that walking is good for you & is eco-friendly to walk from sanayeh to the end of hamra in summer #Parkophobia

Why I am not married yet!

Conversation #1:
-"So..." he looked at my left hand ".. are you married?" He asked
-"Nop, I'm not!" I answered
-"Why?" He asked

I stared at him for 3, 4 seconds and replied: "Why are you wearing a flannel?"

That was a real conversation I had with a guy I knew back at school, and yes he was wearing a flannel! (I believe I had more right asking him about his indecency - i.e. wearing a flannel to pecha kucha night, then him asking me why I'm not married yet)

Conversation #2:
-"Hey lilo!" mwah mwah "missed you so much!" hugs.. then he looked at my left hand, then right hand, then he said: "Not married? nor engaged?"
-I answered "No!" with a smile on my face. These were two guys I knew years back during the metal scene. These two were the last persons I thought would ask me such a question!

Conversation #3:
-"I thought you were married ya 7abibte!" The cleaning lady said
-"Oh, because it's a big house?" (it's 3 bedrooms and I live alone in it, so I assumed she calculated the beds)
-"No no... but .. because you're what, 25? I thought you were married that's why!" She continued, insinuating that 25 is a bit old to be still single
-"Oh noooooooo, I am not 25! I'm 29!" (I am still 28, still got 2 weeks, but wanted to rub it in her face!)

Conversation #4:
(post edited, I just remembered this conversation!) That was summer 2007.
- "How old are you? 26? You should be married already!" - Cousin's husband said
- "hmmm... don't get it, why?" I innocently asked.
- "You've got only like what... 10? 11 years where you can have children!!" He continued

And then you should've seen my face! My biological clock was ticking, only 11 years, how will I make it? how will I get married, have intercourse, get pregnant and have a child within 11 years? This is just too little... god *I cried*.. god please, have mercy... (Ok, no I didn't do that, my brother actually jumped in and told him to f*ck off)

Conclusion
I am still single, I am 29 years old, the reason why I am not married (answering the people who look at me with pity in their eyes 'cause am still single) is (pick your favorite):
- I am just butt ugly
- I burp and fart and that ain't lady like!
- I am a lesbian
- I nag too much that nobody wants to marry me
- I can't have children
- I am abnormal
- I am so f*ckin' stupid and boring, even zuzu ibba doesn't wanna marry me
- Nobody ever proposed
- Nobody loves me
- I am too smart and too pretty and too sexy that many men feel intimidated by me and can't handle me.
- I was waiting for you all my life.
- In reality the guy I love died, a dragon came and bit his head off


Seriously, what do people expect from me to say when they ask me "why aren't you married yet?"

Lebanese Lie and Men don't listen

Lebanese Lie #3 (you can read 1 and 2 here)

So you're invited somewhere, courtesy is you "bring something in your hands", this is the literal translation of the Lebanese expression, which is you take some sweets with your or a gift for the house. When you get there, you give them the gift or the sweet you brought them, and the host tells you: "Oh lashou m3azbe? walaw! el beit baytik!" (which means, why did you go through the trouble of bringing something! come on, this is your house! Tu casa es mi casa!)

However, dare you not bring something in your hands when you pay someone a visit in their house, or else you will get the "ma 3inda savoir vivre, bala zo2, ma bta3rif bil ousoul!" (meaning, she lacks courtesy and social know-how)

Men's oblivious outlook

Many times you hear men say: "why can't a woman just tell us what she wants". I will make it short and straight to the point. 

1- because the woman would like to think that her man can think of ways to surprise her and to actually do an effort of doing something for her, doesn't have to be something fancy, just a new place (or an old one that brings memories), nice decor, good food, just you and her. 

2- and that is why she gives the man hints, but for some supreme out of space reason which I can't understand, men don't hear it. So really, focus a bit, she's telling you in a subtle but obvious way (doesn't take a smartpants to notice it) what she feels like doing and where.

So stop the crap that women don't tell you what they want. Just listen.

Disclaimer: Not talking about my boyfriend here, just men in general!

And here is how my day started

While driving to work my stomach started hurting badly I even worried how am I going to even get out of the car and walk to the office, then I felt that am coming down on diarrhea, and I also wondered how am I going to make it to the bathroom, I was so much in pain. Anyway I went straight to the bathroom carrying my lunch box and bag, didn't even pass by the office. Later I felt extremely nauseous the kind where you feel you're going to throw up your soul, I hated it, I unlocked the door in case something happens to me someone would find me, but thanks to my OCD I knew that won't be before an hour till someone actually uses the bathroom in the morning, so I stormed outside with what strength was left in me, and as I opened the 4th door (yes that many doors!) I knew this is it, and bam I hit the floor and the first point of impact was my chin, now it's bumpy.



I don't know if I fainted or not, but I woke up on my own but wasn't able to move. Someone found me, called the security, who called a coworker and they all my colleagues were around me (thankfully they saw me on a chair and not on the floor like a complete idiot)... I hate looking so weak and my blouse was very wet, I was sweating so much...

Something like that happened to me 3 months ago but without the fainting yet with same amount of pain, so I think I need to have my blood tested, this is getting ridiculous.

So my boss and a colleague dropped me and my car back home, and I had a gift with me for my boss as it was boss' day, I gave it to him.

Have a grrrrreat weekend everyone! Mine started early :) bumpy but am better now.

The doctor will see you now

Going to the bank, to the doctor, to pay a bill are things that really irritate me. Maybe because a person has to wait, or feel judged by the person in front of you or just the journey to get to that place in Beirut's strawberry traffic jam. Or maybe it's all of them.

I mean here I will be sitting in front of this big shot professor, and I have a ball in my neck, I mean really? He's studied and worked all these years, and a ball in my neck is all I have to offer?

Good knowledge, Bad knowledge

Imagine you had your "cabeza" (head) scanned, and it turns out you still have a few empty memory slots. Now you have to carefully decide what to "know" next.

For example:
1- Avoid superficial girl who thinks talking about dresses and accessories is interesting
2- Avoid listening to people who explain "conclusions". Mucha información es inútil!
3- Turn the deaf ear (ignore) to the people who talk about politics in Lebanon
4- Listen to your mom for the first 2 minutes only, because afterward
she's just repeating things

What else do you think we should do?

Argh

I don't feel like working, I feel like listening to music, driving (or being with someone who will drive) somewhere in Lebanon, to Jbeil to Batroun, to the south, enjoying the scenery, eating something in some kiosk on the road, if anything and I can't leave this cage, at least I would want to be reading, like reading this blog sietske-in-beiroet for example, she rocks, she makes me see Lebanon from a whole different point of view, I've been in this blogosphere since summer 2006, I've seen her blog, but first time I really dig in deep.

Heh, the word blogosphere is underlined with red, they should add it to the dictionary.

Yesterday, we were talking about migraine and other head pains, and as I have occasional migraines (touch wood, haven't had one in more than a month), my colleague asked me if my head hurts if I laugh too hard, I told her, I don't recall the last time I laughed hard. Nfa2aset, why don't I?

In case I disappear

Pattern Recognition
Since I was a kid I searched for patterns everywhere, my thing was to recognize patterns, compare dates, colors, events happening before and now. I had the same pen holder (plumier?) since I was in 5eme (7th grade?) till I finished my undergraduate studies, and I even think I used it in my graduate studies as well. It was horrible, old, dirty. Had tip ex on it, some are souvenirs, other statistics formulas, because they were so f*ckin huge I could never remember them.

Something else I used to do (that would qualify me as superstitious) I had this T-Shirt (I had it since I was 15, I think my mom burned it now), it was big on me, black, someone got it from Crepaway and gave it to me, it had several pictures of artists and such. So I used to wear it on the first exam of every cycle, also during high school and university. I had a sweater for winter.

I will not mention the walking between lines, I think that qualifies me as having OCD.

The first time I went to the US I booked my ticket on 6/6/2006. And after the July war happened and the airport closed, I came back to Lebanon on September 5 (same day as the year before when I came back from Cyprus). This year, my flight got canceled so now I will be returning to Lebanon on June 7, same day as last year when I came back from France. Truth is, last time I arrived on September 6, and left the US on September 5. So it doesn't qualify as a pattern. And I had traveled before that only once. Unlike this time, I traveled 3 times, so let..... OMG I sound crazy don't I? K I'll stop this.

I used to be a lot like that, I think it decreased though during the past 2 years. I realized that it was all bullsh*t. But today it's happening again, I think I am scared. I just don't understand why traveling scares the sh*t out of me.

*takes a deep breath* It'll be fine.

Patriotism or something like it
I like returning to Lebanon. The only time I felt home and it was outside Lebanon, it was my first trip to Paris. It was after that trip that the break-up between my ex and I happened. Other than that, I miss it a lot. I miss my home, my car, my life and especially you.

Emotional Maturity
It's amazing how much a person grows within a short period of time. Even if for a long while the person felt like he's stuck, it's okay because in reality he is grasping everything but not digesting them, and one day, he digests them all and understands what really happened.

I don't like regretting anything, I think everything that happened should be a good lesson for a person. I don't regret ever being with my ex, I just regret for the both us the fact that it took us a long time to finally admit it's not working out.

Making the right choice
I recently learned that when your little kid does something wrong thinking that he did great, it's not exactly right to encourage your kid, because maybe he's just not good at it, however it's definitely wrong not to help your kid find out what he's really good at and then encourage him.

Every person has a strong point and a weak point and average points that can be worked on. If you have a weak point the best thing you can and should do is make it average. In my opinion take that strong point and make it amazing. This is when a person excels.

What happens to fortunate and unfortunate persons is strengthening average points while he already had a strong point, to finally have many strong points. When the person is ought to decide which point to take and develop and learn more about and specialize in etc.. He's lost. Because here he is now having to make a choice among so many points, he no longer knows what he likes the most and what makes him happy.

I know the feeling of being torn between what you want and what you think you should do. Fact is, as you're not being able to make the decision, you start building up obstacles to what you like whether them being sub-conscious (like letting yourself fail an exam) or conscious like giving many excuses, like oh the grapes are sour anyway, why even try to reach for those high grapes. Truth is, nothing holds you back but yourself (and natural disasters). So you start leaning towards what you don't like but think is adequate. This applies in choosing your major, choosing your career, choosing the man/woman of your life.

Settling
How many persons do you know have settled? How many persons do you know have done more than we expected them to, but not necessarily what makes them happy? How many persons do you know have succumbed to life and chose to suffer in silence because they would hate the look of anyone to them, the look of accusation, of disappointment or disgust. So they go around doing what pleases the people.

It's the people vs you
You end up living your life the way others want it, thinking if you try to do something that makes you happy, everyone will hate you.

Truth is, they know exactly why you did what you did, even if they don't dare thinking it or saying it out loud. As far as we know, we live this life once. Are we going to live it the way they think we should live it? Or at least we should live it being happy instead of trying to be happy.

Life Divorce Chance
Life is not getting easier. When a woman's choice was scarcely nothing, suddenly she would find herself getting out of a tent and marrying a man, how hard do you think it was for her? How much did her consciousness ever develop? I can't know, I won't judge but I will assume, if you don't see much, you don't hear much and you don't do much, you won't know much. So for her, it was probably not a great day, but definitely not an irrational event at all, unlike how it would seem to us now.

So life gets harder, implicated by divorce, because people now look outside and see they can make it on their own, they now have the chance to restart, not exactly from zero, but at least they won't say "what if"

I know how hard divorce can be on children, I understand why the current generation of parents get divorced because I know and especially in Lebanon, a large portion of people did not marry with their own consent 25 to 40 years ago.

But my question is, right now, our generation knows better, we have a million movies out there, a million book, thousands of authors and philosophers, Oprah, Dr. what's his name? Dr. Phil! The morning show of Future TV, people of your society, going to work and mingling... We are exposed to much more, and our circle of acquaintances I believe is much more than when we used to live in tents, or even caves! So all I plead for, don't ever think if you marry someone because you should and not because you love he won't feel it. If he's a good person, he deserves love back. If he's a nasty person, then why the hell are you with him/her?

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Try to make a good choice, not all children of divorcees end up well, it's a low percentage in my experience. And even if your parents don't get a divorce, it might have one lousy influence on you that you will never be able to get rid of, or understand or shake it off!

Love, what the hell is love?
Can you honestly tell me how many parents out there you look at and the flame of love is born in your heart? If anything, they kill it. I do not know of any old couple that ignites the hope of love in my heart. I admit I did not know what love really is. I think I know a bit more though.

It's premature for me to talk about love, I think when you really get what love is, and when you experience it, it can come in parallel with a sort of wisdom.
Many people love, but are not wise, thus you can always sense a big hole in their relationship with the other. That's why I insist on wisdom. The only thing I can say, it is not possible to love if you're not emotionally ready.

Lebanese Elections
I am hoping for 3 things:
1-to arrive safely
2-to arrive safely to Lebanon
3-and to arrive safely to find Lebanon in a good state, whoever wins.

Why am I still here?

Right now I am supposed to be boarding on a plane that will take me from London Heathrow to Lebanon, but where am I instead? I am still in the US. My first flight got canceled. And they couldn't book me on the next because it was over-booked, and they only found us tickets on June 6, so instead of arriving to Lebanon tonight, I will arrive on Sunday night. At least I am no longer willingly not voting. BIG BLEH

Disappearing in the Atlantic... damn!

I can never imagine what those people felt just before their plane crashed. The plane is not found yet, but it's out there in the Atlantic ocean with no transmission whatsoever, 99.9999% these people are now victims. What did they feel? Is it like dying in a tragic car accident or falling of a bicycle, or being hit by car? Maybe it is, when you're about to die, it doesn't matter how it's happening I guess.

But maybe when you're on a plane it's more of a shock, people can go into an unrealistic moment, not believing what's happening to them, and if they did, now that's rough, because count the time since the plane starts crashing and until it does, I believe it took a couple of minutes, and maybe it was the longest minutes in their lives. I am so sad for these people and for their relatives, dying in a plane scares me the most, because you're leaving a place, either happy you're leaving this place or happy you're going to another, you were just on vacation or going to do some business, and then bam... your plane gets hit by lightning.

I still get scared when I get on a plane, I got better with time, and tomorrow I will be on another 3 planes, 3 take-offs, 3 landings. See you in 2 days.

I think I snapped

I woke up today to so many weird dreams, like people making me go vote, and then finding out that you have to wear a weird uniform with shreshib on it, like a security officer uniform, everyone has to, and then having to walk for a long time until you reach the voting booth, and I had 2 lists, 1 list having 1 name, of a female candidate, Nadine something, and another list having 3 names, so I thought I might as well vote for the lonely candidate, she's 14 March, so apparently if I have a gun in my head obliging me to vote, even in my subconscious I would rather be ruled by 14 March than the opposition. But then I woke up thinking I don't want to vote, I don't want to vote, everyone shouldn't vote... I am having elections nightmare apparently.

Anyway, I woke up to see an email from a work colleague telling me that as Monday June 8th is supposed to be a day off, a holiday, an official one declared by Ziad Baroud some time ago, the company I work for figured that yes we should be off on that day but on our own expenses. And I barely have any days off left, and if they had made this decision since 3amna Baroud came up with his decision, I could've extended my stay in the US at least 4 more days, because I barely came here for 2 weeks. So I snapped and sent my project manager an email. We'll see what happens, I honestly don't give a flying shit anymore.

It would've been better if they did what they usually do and is ignoring days off that are decided along the year and us going to work normally.

Respect

We have been raised and told since we were little kids to respect older persons, to respect teachers, to respect the elderly, to respect disabled persons.

Well what if that person is just a nasty person, a nasty old man. Should you respect them still? Wouldn't you be a hypocrite for pretending while inside all you hold for that person is disrespect?

I will never forget my Arabic literature teacher back in high school, who used to tell us not to ever disrespect another person, because when we do, we're actually disrespecting ourselves. And for me this rule was enough to abide by all my life even though it was extremely hard to apply non-theoretically.

However yesterday, he said: "people should earn respect, and if a person offends me or does something that I do not respect or approve, yes I remain civil with them but they lose my respect immediately, be it older or younger than me".

As I prepared myself to answer back, I opened my mouth but no words came out, I couldn't disagree or argue with him, I suddenly realized that he's right.

Perhaps it took me 28 years to realize the difference between respecting and being civil.

Fast & Furious in Geant's parking

After watching the movie Fast & Furious 4, we went back to the parking to leave. I personally accomplished one of my dreams and it's sitting in the supermarket chariot, and going for a ride :P but then we heard some "toshfit", some wheels sqweeking on the parking floor, and not by one car, but by many. Apparently the fellow Lebanese young men were very influenced by the movie... Points I would like to talk about are:

1- The movie was not that good
2- The Lebanese people, especially the young are very susceptible.
3- They had sucky cars for that deed anyway

Just babbling... (probably a title used before)

Writing
I haven't written in a long time. I mean written, and not typed. Well maybe it's for the better, as I think too fast and my hand can't keep up. I end up making a lot of grammatical and vocabulary mistakes, luckily hidden by my lousy handwriting.

Becoming someone
I remember once I told someone, a virtual nickname back then, remember my name you will hear of it again in the future. I thought I'll be someone. Funny thing is.. I did become someone, didn't everyone? I always had a shaky definition for success. Is it money? Is it high degrees? Is it social rank? Is it a position at work?

My nephew
I love looking at my nephew. I love the fact that I described what his personality is going to be when he was still 5 or 6 months old. And now when he's a 18 months old everyone is coming to agree with me. I also said he's gonna be very tall, he was still a day old. And yes.. he is taller than his age.

Motherhood
I wonder about having a kid of my own one day. Big tummy. Me? Wow. An idea so far from happening, I smile when I think of myself as a mother. I like mothers who fully understand what being a mother is. Sometimes I feel sad for the reason that some women believe it is not something of a big deal and a billion other women has gone through it before. This is the impression I get. But no. Enjoy every moment. It is a beautiful thing. It is. Don't let anyone convince you in taking it for granted.

Blogging
*sigh* I want to be as honest as I can on this stupid blog. I always write something and then I backspace it. Most readers know me in real and I don't trust people in general. Don't be offended. It's just people don't know any better sometimes, they think they're doing you good and then they end up ruining things. No one wants to hurt me that's for sure. 'Coz I have a tazer gun and I'll taze their ass with it if they do.

Existential question
Why the fuck do I blog? Why am I blogger? How did I become one?... I know I know. It's like a bloggy contract, something I get back to and say to myself, this is how you used to think and this is how you looked at things.

Ok you can wake up now and close this window, or tab ...

Santa, this year I want...

The idea of work still surprises me at certain times. I suddenly realise I am at work, I am at this location that is called work. A place which I visit everyday, 5 times a week, I wake up and go there, spend the required hours and leave. It's really a bizarre thing. The strangest of all this, is me, me being at work, participating in this weird cycle, who would've thought I am a 9 to 5 person (actually 8 to 5:30)... One day, one day I will do what I want.

Christmas commcercials are so funny, I can hear them saying at one point "Buy a Sony Cybershot and get a Dodge Charger with it :D"

I try to wonder if I ever leave this life, will I be missed. Surprisingly, I don't care, I am recently doing things, nice things for others, but not because I want them to know I did it, or thank me for it, or remember me after I'm gone (wherever that place is), but because I just like adding this innocent feeling of laughter and chilling and relaxation for people, it makes me happy to see people happy.

I don't know what's gone into me, maybe I ate a lot of baked potato or maybe I have been visited by the 3 ghosts of christmas! The difference between Scrooge and myself is that he was greedy and rich, and I am .. let's say slightly rich, if I compare myself to those people who are starving to death in Africa, but am also generous, the feeling of not giving a fuck about money is ecstatic.

Nevertheless, I would love to have a lot of money, I want to carry the money in my hand and throw it, I want to send poor children to schools, I want to be able to provide educational orientation and guidance to those who are confused about their future, I want to be able to look at people and give them the opportunity to be the best
they can be and choose the best thing for them. I want to help create the best society. And best of all, I want to organize dinner parties for people, for free, or maybe let them pay and give the proceedings to encourage pesons with physical or mental disabilities to work and be productive. I want to be able to get the best rock, blues and metal bands to play concerts in Lebanon. Music has to be introduced to every single soul! And of course Operas.

I want to make people happy and decent enough to respect each other even when they don't like each other.

And then I guess I wake up :)

Whatever, I believe to leave the place I was once in better than the way I found it.

Oh and I want to receive National Geographic magazines, how rude, I can never order them to Lebanon!

Be honest

Lying to oneself is nothing new. A lot of people do it. But a lot of people try to face themselves, try to see what's fake and what's true. But most of them don't know the difference, they think they're no longer in denial, living in lies and building upon wrong assumptions more dark thoughts and more erronous conclusions.

Basic principles of communication is: Go ask. Don't imagine things. Don't invent things. There is no need for dark thoughts, no need for bad intentions. Be honest... Be honest. Get it? Be honest. Go ask. Because really... you don't know. You think you know. Those people? Those bad energy people, who you say keep following you. Lock them out. Maybe you cannot do it physically. But the brains? the brains are an amazing thing. So lock them out mentally. Look at them, wait for them to finish, and then smile, tell them whatever they want to hear, then go. Yes, become a selfish asshole. Fuck them. It's your time now.

It's over, it's gone. There is no conspiracy, shit happens. Most probably for the best. Embrace it and move on.