Sunday, August 15, 2010

Does marriage kill love?

Does love die after marriage? I know this is not a new question at all, it's just a question that has been on my mind almost all my life, and I never found a convincing answer so far. I feel like the married couples start hiding something from us, the single ones, they ask us to join them in that institution, but many (and I insist on many) look sad, look unhappy, look unsatisfied, and that is not an attractive invitation if I may say so.

So I come here today on my blog to try and understand, whether love is killed by the institution of marriage or does it perhaps transform into something else?

One day, the wife is the hottest woman on earth (after Angelina Jolie, Liv Tylor, Megan fox and Kate Hudson of course) but years later, she gets pregnant and has this huge belly in front of her and an even huger butt (I know I will look like that, you - the unknown - be warned); so will the way the husband looks at his wife change? 

One day he used to stare her in the eyes and tell her: "You have no competition, you are the best thing that ever happened to me, I can't live without you, bmout fike

However, will her having to take care of her kids, house, work, obligations, etc.. at a later stage in life become un-sexy, unattractive, uninteresting, un-challenging for him?

Does her lack of time to put on a sexy dress, watch her fitness, follow up on top gear episodes, challenge her emotions and intellectualism with new things and hobbies, or for example write (something he admires her for) put her in this position where she is no longer: THE ONE for him. You know, that woman that completely satisfies his existence?

Will marriage kill love? Is there a way to sustain this love, or to transform it into something different, yet beautiful? Or is it a lost cause, and people who would like to preserve love should avoid getting married?

p.s. Of course scenario can be vice versa on gender here.

p.s.s. I will still be locking this blog, I am just too lazy to do it, yet!


  1. Hi there ... since my english ain't as good as my Darling's one ... I'll say it in French, please forbid :)

    Bon, puisque je serais bientôt divorcé je pense que je peux apporter un "point de vue" sur cette question. Se n'est qu'une opinion unique, opinion masculine, française.

    A mon sens le mariage ne tue rien du tout.

    C'est entièrement relatif aux personnes qui veulent se lancer dans cette aventure.

    Ça dépend de ce qu'ils partagent de commun, de leurs valeurs, des sentiments qu'ils ont, la façon dont ils se projettent dans l'avenir, en tant qu'entité propre, et en tant que couple.

    S'ils ont été "brainwashed" dès l'enfance sur le fait que le mariage, c'est le but "ultime" dans la vie/une vie de couple, alors oui, le scenario que tu décris ici à une grande chance de se produire.

    Puisque quelque part, une fois mariés, se serait "mission accomplished" et donc faire encore des efforts, ou, ne pas céder à la facilité du quotidien, serait vraiment quelque chose de très lourd à effectuer.

    En plus tu parles d'enfants, et, même si je suis un homme, je dois bien reconnaitre que si l'on reste dans ton stéréotype, la femme qui doit assumer un boulot, les gosses, et la gestion de la maison, à mon sens elle n'a plus trop l'envie ni l'énergie de rester la super star sexy qui rendait dingue son fiancé au moindre battement de cils. C'est un être humain, avec une batterie, elle dispense son énergie au mieux et selon les priorités vitales.

    Là encore c'est relatif au couple, au "partenariat" entre les deux. Si monsieur veut garder sa sexy star, alors il doit assumer sa part de taches au quotidiens, enfant, bouffe, ménage, tout inclus. Se sont des choses qui dans un bon couple se discutent, parfois se disputent, aussi ;), mais qui une fois bien rodées, permettent aux deux de continuer à s'épanouir, évoluer, et donc rester vivants l'un pour l'autre.

    Pour conclure il faudrait non pas dire devant monsieur le curé :

    "pour le meilleur et pour le pire"

    Mais "ceci n'est que le début du commencement, tout ce que vous avez fait hier l'un pour l'autre n'était qu'un entrainement, une préparation, le meilleur reste à venir, du moment que vous vous battez pour, ensemble."

  2. I don't read french, so i'm not sure if wat i'm about to say was covered by Ekios, but anyways, here goes nothing.

    Personally I believe that the killing of love has nothing to do with marriage (or even with couples living together in a de-facto relationship.)

    I believe it's because of the couples' misunderstanding or lack of knowledge of the different phases that love goes through and how to deal with it. These phases are;

    - Romantic Fascination and Chemistry: basically fuelled testosterone and oestrogen. Happens in the early period of love, and feels like you're on a high! (you know; the love at first sight and that sort of stuff...) In this phase ur day dreaming about ur partner, writing poems, etc...

    - The Dating Phase, Love is still strong, chemistry is still playing a big part with both parties experiencing their sexual attraction to each other. Both parties are convinced about each other and each is trying to change the other to their liking (fat chance, very unlikely that this will happen!)
    During this phase the couple is planning marriage or living together, etc...

    - Love During Marriage or De-Facto:
    Here is where it gets interesting. I'm not married, so i'm not talking out experience here, but I believe i have witnessed enough and have learnt from other couples' experiences. LAZINESS is the biggest killer of love. The husband stops sending his wife flowers like he used to do when they were dating. The wife stops giving her husband time, drowning herself with housework and looking after the kids. Both parties should work hard on keeping themselves attractive to the other partner! There's nothing worst than when the husband or the wife let themselves go! physical attraction is a must!
    The big killer is that they put themselves aside and concentrate on the kids and making money. bad idea! they should go on holidays together (without the kids). book a night at some hotel from time to time...

    I don't wanna blab on, i guess you know got the idea that i'm tryin to sell here... it's about working together and being knowledgeable.

  3. Pls add me on the list of stalkers who wishes to continue reading (laughing with) this blog.

    I have been thinking along the same lines as you about marriage and the thing is, like anything in life, I believe it's a crap shoot.

    If you're lucky you will find the one that makes you happy and you can get along great with. There would be bumps along the road, but nothing that can't be overcome. This is the type of relationship we all hope & strive for. Although, NOTHING is guaranteed.

    The flip side of the coin is when a relationship after the initial euphoria disintegrates and loses it's luster. Becomes burdensome and unhealthy.

    So what I'm trying to say is choose well and after you choose give it your best. And if your best is not good enough, in that, the relationship is not going to make either of you happy, then there is nothing stopping the both of you to cordially end that unhealthy relationship and moving on.

    But hope springs eternal in the human breast and there is that slightest chance that it may work out, it may blossom into a healthy and rewarding relationship........

  4. I am married so I think I can have my say on this. :-)

    Marriage does NOT kill love. Love in marriage, especially after kids fade away because most couples forget that they are couples FIRST, parents SECOND. One of them gets overwhelmed with taking care of kids (not a bad thing) and forget their obligation to each other as husband and wife.

    Too busy? A good marriage requires hardwork from both parties to last. It's that simple, really.

  5. Lilo you need to take everything the media & your married friends have told you about the institution of marriage & throw it all away. You build your own experience based on your own unique relationship w/ Mr.Man. No 2 people (or 2 couples for that matter) are alike. That is why my answer is No. Marriage scenarios can never be universal.

  6. selecting Khaled's comment, ctrl+c ...Ctrl+v
    by the letter 100%

  7. Ekios, tu as raison concernant le brainwash, et qu'avec le temps, la plupart des personnes commence a penser que le mariage est le but ultime, et tu as raison en faite que c'est peut etre une des plus grandes raisons pourquoi le mariage ne marche pas. En fait, pourquoi on se marie?

    Simon: I loved the way you put it in phases, and I completely agree with you, of course it's not just about married couple, but I wanted to focus more on this side, because I always usually just talk about unmarried couples. It is also something I have seen, that when a couple gets married, it's like they lose the motivation to continue working on themselves in order to stay up to that standards or that admiration level or that bar in which their other half sees them. yes of course, a person should stay true to themselves we're not talking about being fake here, we're simply talking about maintaining the body, the mind and the soul.

    Lipanantsi, it's definitely about finding the right person. But then again, are people finding the right person these days? or are just hastily getting into marriage because "it is time"

    Grace, true... person first, couples second and parents third (equally important of course) :)

    Kaled and AAL, ok it is about what every couple makes of their own unique relationship, but if we want to put it into simple words, what couples kill their love and what couples don't what's the difference?

  8. Reading ur post, i start with the fallacy you pushed all readers to to accept,

    your question about does marriage kill love? it is like if you don't get married love will live for ever.
    and this is a false dilemma.

    How many LOVES died before reaching marriage? too much maheik? so i say:
    it is us who kill love not our marital situation.

  9. I would try to give a short answer:
    The easiest part is to fall in love.. The hardest part is sustaining this love.
    Love requires effort from both ends in a constant and (should be) effortless manner from boths ends.
    As a married man with a kid, I have discovered that the day I lacked to prove my love to my wife, she did the same. And that somewhat acts like a silent killer. Suddenly, you find that it pushes you apart. However, just a small gesture of love from time to time is enough to bring back all the romance plus entice the marriage more and more.
    You see it's not about gutt bellys and hanging butts, it's all about the romance and in simple terms: maintaining "The look of love" through good and bad times.
    Nice post by the way.

  10. Pascal, I see you joined the others on the love has nothing to do with marital status, see I knew that, but I felt that marriage itself deserved a post on its own, especially that with marriage comes more responsibility , and kids and life and house... short but true answer I must admit.

    OmaReina, thanks a lot for your comment :) 3anjad. loved it.

    p.s. I know it's not about looks, it's never about looks, it's about "the look" that a person gives and projects, that has to do with the person's current state of mind and esteem I guess. or am I wrong?

  11. I am not married and do not think of marriage as important to me on a personal level in achieving my goals in life. and for many other reasons that you know Lilo.

    however i will give you my point of view on the matter.

    my parents have been married for 30 years. they've shared ups and downs and kids and grandkids. and it's been fun. but i wondered the same thing. i looked at my parents and wondered:"do they still love each other? why are they still together, they're stuck in a routine paste? didn't they ever think about divorce?"

    i asked them both about it separately, and i'll tell you i was suprised:

    my mom said:"of course i still love him, i used tto be madly passionately in love, and now i'm fully in love with you dad. many things die in a relationship but if you have love you replace them.
    love changes from passion to reason, from romantic to fulfilling. from desire to need. but it's still there."

    my dad said:" she's still the woman of my life. if she weren't she wouldn't have stood by me through my downs and you were there, and you saw how patient she was. how could i not love a woman that supports me and still has her independence."

    i think that when you get married to someone, it's not because you're in love. i think that when two people know that in 10 years they can still have smthg to talk about, and when these two people are friends (yes i say friends) before lovers marriage can work. because if you have friendship as the basis, the rest of the necessities of a marriage fall in.

    i also think that marriage is not a way to seal the deal. both of the married couple should continue making the effort. why not wear a sexy dress at fifty and go out for the night. why not bring your wife a red rose for no reason at all.
    just because you're married, it's not an excuse to lessen the effort. after all marriage is only a piece of paper, a contract.

    sorry for rambling on you, but you really got me thinking!

  12. sorry for rambling? are you crazy... i love every word you guys put on this post :) every word!

    thanks for sharing this btw.. you guys are giving me hope to say the least.

  13. If I try to take everything into a short sentence, it's all about the right one, and the capacity of both of you to never let the guard down. Keeping love alive, communicate, still making efforts :)

  14. Marriage does NOT kill love if:

    You are NOT getting married for the wrong reasons
    You took your time to know each other (concubinage)
    You are comfortable with yourself (YES! YOURSELF!)

    YOU kill love by having your ego get in the way
    by not knowing when to bow down and just shut it (guys and gals!)

    Your life doesn't end as a married couple. Having kids doesn't kill love either, it just kills the sex.

    and when everything becomes "an obligation" that's when your marriage is DEAD.

    I m still with no food, so dunno what I am rambling here.

  15. Note, I'm all for Western style getting to know someone for some years by living together, knowing them fully without the undo complications of marriage, but try to convince a Lebanese woman that this type of relationship is ideal & it's NOT 3yb & all that jazz.

    Heck, where do I advertise for this type of relationship?

    To answer your question above, Trying to hook up with someone in haste is obviously a waste. Personally, I've learned to trust my intuition and everything else is c'est la vie.

  16. I agree with khaled's comment it's concise and straight to the point. But I'd like to add that, it's not that marriage acts on a married couple while they passively receive its love killing consequences due to kids, life obligations and etc.
    On the contrary, marriage in my opinion is something that a couple needs to build, those who really thought abt what they want and know what they want from marriage; and find the right person that shares the same values with them end up doing fine, and their relation just like wine gets better with time. I know few ppl who have that and it's really beautiful to see, there's a luck factor in the whole thing for sure.

  17. P.S: i'm happy u didn't lock this blog and i'll b happier if u don't coz i'm used to it :)

  18. ok now to z comment phase:

    je pense que l'amour est necessaire mais jamais suffisant pour le succes d'un mariage,
    et que ce qui tue le mariage ou plutot l'amour c'est la manque de communicaton rien d'autre

    and Rita i really liked ur comment and totally agree with u

  19. Damn, I hate writing long comments, but you seem to be developing the knack of making me do them lately!

    Situation A: You go through your day for only one purpose to see or hear from him/her, you unwillingly smile as soon as you see him/her, your dozen well prepared intelligent conversations vanish from your mind as soon as you start talking to him/her, your whole skin tingles by a mere touch from him/her!

    Situation B: you look at your partner with admiration, your like him/her as a person, you put his/her interest ahead of yours, making your partner happy will make you happy, you feel comfortable around him/her.

    Both situations are described as love, yet I think they are different. For me situation A, for the lack of a better word, is infatuation, and situation B is affection. Love for me starts in A and inch towards B, it will constantly move between the two but in a general direction towards B. This move is bound to happen, marriage or not.

    in this sense Marriage cannot kill love, love has a mind on its own, and does not really care if you are married or not. Marriage as an institution will make some things easier and put some strain on other things, it is only natural to have advantages and disadvantages for anything. The secret is to use the advantages and be aware of the disadvantages.

    Unhappy marriages are common, too common. is it because of the marriage itself, i do not think so. Unfortunately we seem to get married for all sort of reasons: because the prospect is from a good family, because my parents chose for me, because the prospect is rich, or has a foreign passport (seriously), or simply because we are worried that we are reaching our "expiry date"!… I am not the person to judge what is a good reason and what is not, to each his own. But I can tell you this, I did not get married because of what people thought, I got married because of what I think.

    PS. I think I put my opinion in marriage as delicately and as politely as I can! I edited this post a few times before I decided to post!

    PPS. Top Gear?? Seriously?!?