Saturday, June 06, 2009

In case I disappear

Pattern Recognition
Since I was a kid I searched for patterns everywhere, my thing was to recognize patterns, compare dates, colors, events happening before and now. I had the same pen holder (plumier?) since I was in 5eme (7th grade?) till I finished my undergraduate studies, and I even think I used it in my graduate studies as well. It was horrible, old, dirty. Had tip ex on it, some are souvenirs, other statistics formulas, because they were so f*ckin huge I could never remember them.

Something else I used to do (that would qualify me as superstitious) I had this T-Shirt (I had it since I was 15, I think my mom burned it now), it was big on me, black, someone got it from Crepaway and gave it to me, it had several pictures of artists and such. So I used to wear it on the first exam of every cycle, also during high school and university. I had a sweater for winter.

I will not mention the walking between lines, I think that qualifies me as having OCD.

The first time I went to the US I booked my ticket on 6/6/2006. And after the July war happened and the airport closed, I came back to Lebanon on September 5 (same day as the year before when I came back from Cyprus). This year, my flight got canceled so now I will be returning to Lebanon on June 7, same day as last year when I came back from France. Truth is, last time I arrived on September 6, and left the US on September 5. So it doesn't qualify as a pattern. And I had traveled before that only once. Unlike this time, I traveled 3 times, so let..... OMG I sound crazy don't I? K I'll stop this.

I used to be a lot like that, I think it decreased though during the past 2 years. I realized that it was all bullsh*t. But today it's happening again, I think I am scared. I just don't understand why traveling scares the sh*t out of me.

*takes a deep breath* It'll be fine.

Patriotism or something like it
I like returning to Lebanon. The only time I felt home and it was outside Lebanon, it was my first trip to Paris. It was after that trip that the break-up between my ex and I happened. Other than that, I miss it a lot. I miss my home, my car, my life and especially you.

Emotional Maturity
It's amazing how much a person grows within a short period of time. Even if for a long while the person felt like he's stuck, it's okay because in reality he is grasping everything but not digesting them, and one day, he digests them all and understands what really happened.

I don't like regretting anything, I think everything that happened should be a good lesson for a person. I don't regret ever being with my ex, I just regret for the both us the fact that it took us a long time to finally admit it's not working out.

Making the right choice
I recently learned that when your little kid does something wrong thinking that he did great, it's not exactly right to encourage your kid, because maybe he's just not good at it, however it's definitely wrong not to help your kid find out what he's really good at and then encourage him.

Every person has a strong point and a weak point and average points that can be worked on. If you have a weak point the best thing you can and should do is make it average. In my opinion take that strong point and make it amazing. This is when a person excels.

What happens to fortunate and unfortunate persons is strengthening average points while he already had a strong point, to finally have many strong points. When the person is ought to decide which point to take and develop and learn more about and specialize in etc.. He's lost. Because here he is now having to make a choice among so many points, he no longer knows what he likes the most and what makes him happy.

I know the feeling of being torn between what you want and what you think you should do. Fact is, as you're not being able to make the decision, you start building up obstacles to what you like whether them being sub-conscious (like letting yourself fail an exam) or conscious like giving many excuses, like oh the grapes are sour anyway, why even try to reach for those high grapes. Truth is, nothing holds you back but yourself (and natural disasters). So you start leaning towards what you don't like but think is adequate. This applies in choosing your major, choosing your career, choosing the man/woman of your life.

How many persons do you know have settled? How many persons do you know have done more than we expected them to, but not necessarily what makes them happy? How many persons do you know have succumbed to life and chose to suffer in silence because they would hate the look of anyone to them, the look of accusation, of disappointment or disgust. So they go around doing what pleases the people.

It's the people vs you
You end up living your life the way others want it, thinking if you try to do something that makes you happy, everyone will hate you.

Truth is, they know exactly why you did what you did, even if they don't dare thinking it or saying it out loud. As far as we know, we live this life once. Are we going to live it the way they think we should live it? Or at least we should live it being happy instead of trying to be happy.

Life Divorce Chance
Life is not getting easier. When a woman's choice was scarcely nothing, suddenly she would find herself getting out of a tent and marrying a man, how hard do you think it was for her? How much did her consciousness ever develop? I can't know, I won't judge but I will assume, if you don't see much, you don't hear much and you don't do much, you won't know much. So for her, it was probably not a great day, but definitely not an irrational event at all, unlike how it would seem to us now.

So life gets harder, implicated by divorce, because people now look outside and see they can make it on their own, they now have the chance to restart, not exactly from zero, but at least they won't say "what if"

I know how hard divorce can be on children, I understand why the current generation of parents get divorced because I know and especially in Lebanon, a large portion of people did not marry with their own consent 25 to 40 years ago.

But my question is, right now, our generation knows better, we have a million movies out there, a million book, thousands of authors and philosophers, Oprah, Dr. what's his name? Dr. Phil! The morning show of Future TV, people of your society, going to work and mingling... We are exposed to much more, and our circle of acquaintances I believe is much more than when we used to live in tents, or even caves! So all I plead for, don't ever think if you marry someone because you should and not because you love he won't feel it. If he's a good person, he deserves love back. If he's a nasty person, then why the hell are you with him/her?

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Try to make a good choice, not all children of divorcees end up well, it's a low percentage in my experience. And even if your parents don't get a divorce, it might have one lousy influence on you that you will never be able to get rid of, or understand or shake it off!

Love, what the hell is love?
Can you honestly tell me how many parents out there you look at and the flame of love is born in your heart? If anything, they kill it. I do not know of any old couple that ignites the hope of love in my heart. I admit I did not know what love really is. I think I know a bit more though.

It's premature for me to talk about love, I think when you really get what love is, and when you experience it, it can come in parallel with a sort of wisdom.
Many people love, but are not wise, thus you can always sense a big hole in their relationship with the other. That's why I insist on wisdom. The only thing I can say, it is not possible to love if you're not emotionally ready.

Lebanese Elections
I am hoping for 3 things:
1-to arrive safely
2-to arrive safely to Lebanon
3-and to arrive safely to find Lebanon in a good state, whoever wins.


  1. I like the last 3 points you make :)

  2. Ouf it's a long post... I forgot what I wanted to comment on :P... Anyways have a safe trip back

  3. i dont believe you read it Serpico, your homework is to comment on each part lol

    Posh :)

  4. lool I really did but once I read a paragraph I forgot the one before it :P
    You back in Leb? If yes then hamdella 3al salemeh

  5. bhebik ya benet! and i love how we communicate from now and then and you know how much i like it. and reading this reminded me of so many things! and i wondered what would issam comment on this one.

  6. hmmmmm...dunno why , but i kind of relate to this post ;)...a lot to discuss, a lot to agree , a lot to disagree ...but that's not the place nor the time
    P.S : welcome back home